- "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
- "Who is Justice Beaver?"
- "I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors."
- ""R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it 'murder' and not 'mukduk'"
- "When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
- "You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep."
- "Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this earth. We need a new plague."
- "In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas."
- "All you need is love. False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter."
- "I am ready to face any challenge that might be foolish enough to face me."
- "To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this... Maybe they have something against living forever."
- "In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching."
- "Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
- "I don't believe you, continue."
- "I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow."
- "You couldn't handle my undivided attention."
- "I saw 'Wedding Crashers' accidentally. I bought a ticket for 'Grizzly Man' and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater but I kept waiting. Cause that's the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it."
- "I am faster than 80% of all snakes"